Save Me From Myself
by southxparkxfangirl
Summary: Kenny hasn't been doing well for a long time. He feels completely alone. Not to mention, he loves someone who doesn't seem to love him. But Kyle has his own demons he must face as well...
1. Chapter 1

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 1

"Heyyyyyy Kyle, lesh fuck," I slur, putting my arm around the cute little ginger. He rolls his perfect, sparkly green eyes at me but doesn't move. I don't know if it's to keep me steady or because he is willing to go along with my suggestion, but I hope it's the latter.

"Kenny, you're drunk. And I'm not gay," Kyle says, his voice an irritated monotone. He's always like this. I sigh disappointedly. But then, I see a chink in the armour, a softening of his face. Hint of a smile. Something shining in his eyes. I move his face slightly...

...and puke right over his shoulder. I hear a disgusted noise come from him. My heart feels crushed. "Sorry dude." I pull away from him and wipe my mouth on the back of my sleeve, which just disgusts him further.

"You need to get home. Now." His glare is so intense; it punches me in the stomach and leaves me completely winded. I hold onto his shoulders to keep from falling.

"I don have a ride home," I admit. He sighs and grabs my arm, leading me outside. The brisk mountain air slaps me in the face. Kyle shivers and pulls his hat down lower on his head, a habit he's developed. He leads me to his car and opens the door for me. What a gentleman. Kyle walks around to the other side and gets in as well. I stumble in and fumble with the seat belt, unable to fasten it with my drunken reflexes. After a few minutes of impatiently tapping his foot on the floor of the car, Kyle reaches over and does the damn thing for me.

"If you puke in here, I swear I'll kill you," Kyle threatens, fixing me with a death glare before pulling out of the lot. He drives slowly. I'm not sure if I'd prefer him driving fast or slow. Either get me home soon so I don't puke on him, or drive slowly so I spend more time in these close quarters with him (not to mention make sure my stomach doesn't churn so bad I can't hold in my barf). "Why do you do this to yourself dude?" I groan.

"Long or short version? Either way you'll be listening to me for a while." My speech has become a little less slurred. Kyle doesn't respond, waiting for me to continue. "Look, I like drinking okay? What's the problem?"

"The problem is that you get obliterated at least three times a week. It's not healthy. What are you running from?" Oh Kyle. If only you knew.

"I'd rather not talk about it." He looks at me out of the corner of his eye, but I look straight ahead, not wanting to see the look in those sparkling green orbs of light. He sighs.

"If you say so." He turns on the radio and we drive the rest of the way in silence.

"Come on, I'm fucking cold!" Kyle whines, bouncing from foot to foot and pulling on his hat. Kyle rarely cusses, but he really hates being cold. Kinda ironic that he lives here then. I search every one of my pockets but I can't find my keys. Kyle impatiently taps his foot loudly behind me.

"I must have lost them..." I mumble. The cold has sobered me somewhat. Kyle huffs and heads back to the car. He gets in and for a moment I'm struck by panic, thinking he is going to drive away and leave me alone in the cold. He rolls his eyes and opens the door again.

"Get your ass in here if you don't wanna freeze it off!" he yells, slamming the door once more. I sigh, smile slightly to myself, and get back in the car. "You can spend the night at my house. We'll call a locksmith in the morning or something."

"Okay." Kyle is the only one who knows about my parents skipping out on us. They left about eight months ago. Karen ran away a few months after. Karen. Just thinking of her is like having a clip or two emptied in my gut. It's my fault she left. I came home drunk all the time. She'd have to clean me up and take care of me, and she's only sixteen. It was unfair of me to place such an awful burden on her. After she left, things just got worse. And now here I am, twenty years old with a fake ID in my pocket, booze clouding my brain, no parents, no family, and only one real friend who's not going to be around much longer.

"Kenny...Kenny, are you crying?" Kyle asks, his voice soft and colored with concern. I hadn't even realized it until he pointed it out. I wiped the tears away and sniffed.

"I'm fine." Even though Kyle doesn't yet live in a dorm, he soon plans to. He's only nineteen but he can't live with his parents forever. Soon he's going to move away, like everyone else has, and I'll be all alone in this pissant little mountain town for the rest of my life.

Suddenly Kyle slams on the brakes, stopping right in the middle of the street, and turns to look at me. "Dammit dude, you are not fine. And if you don't stop denying it, you're gonna implode. Self-destruction isn't far down the road for you. And I'm not gonna let you keep falling anymore. So start talking." He crosses his arms over his chest and stares at me, one eyebrow raised, annoyance and concern fighting for dominance on his face. I don't meet his eyes. He begins tapping his foot yet again. I sigh in defeat.

"All right, fine, but can we at least wait until we get to your house?" I ask. Kyle sighs exasperatedly and nods, turning back to the road and driving once again. It's 2:47 in the morning when we reach his house. We quietly enter and tiptoe up the stairs and into his room, gently shutting the door behind us. Kyle lets out a relieved breath, back against the door. He whips his head around, fixing his gaze on me.

"Start talking. Now." I flop down on his bed. I'm not entirely sure where to begin. The room is still spinning slightly. He clears his throat loudly. Kyle has never been known for his patience.

"It's just...everything dude. My life is going nowhere. My parents are gone, I drove my sister away, everyone's moved away or just become distant, and I'm the only one who's standing still. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Everything, all this change, it's all too much. I don't know what to do..." Tears fall silently and leave trails down my cheeks. No sobbing, no weeping. Only cold, bitter tears. Kyle comes over and hugs me tightly. I cling to him like a piece of flotsam in a raging sea. My anchor in a tidal wave.

"Karen will come back. I don't know about your parents, but Karen loves you, so she'll come back. And you know you can always go to college. And I promise I won't leave you. No matter how far down you sink, I'll bring you back. You can always count on me." He rubs my back. His words cause more tears to squeeze between my shut eyes.

Oh Kyle. If only you knew. If only you knew the biggest secret I haven't told you. That I'm madly and desperately in love with you.

I don't exactly know when it started. I just remember suddenly noticing things about him. Things I hadn't paid attention to before. Like the way his nose wrinkles up when he's annoyed, the way his eyebrows knit together when he's angry. The little dimple in his right cheek that only surfaces occasionally, on those glorious moments when he truly smiles. How his eyes sparkle when he's happy. Little things like that. The details. I found myself wanting to be near him all the time, wanting to have the smallest amount of physical contact, just so I could pretend it meant something more.

Sooner or later I realized what these feelings meant. And when I did, I couldn't be around him without being painfully aware of how much I wanted him. Not just his body, but him, completely and entirely. Mind, body, soul, and everything in between. Yet I've never gotten up the nerve to tell him. And how could I? He's so...Kyle. I mean, it's not like he'd treat me any differently if he knew I had feelings for him...at least I don't think he would. I just...I don't know. As long as he doesn't know, it can always be a fairy tale, not a crushed dream. I can always hope that there's a happy ending instead of feeling the pain of reality. And how could someone like him ever want someone like me?

"We should probably both get some sleep," he whispers, yawning in my face and smiling sleepily. I smile and nod. He gets up and throws a box of tissues at me. I catch them effortlessly and try to blow my nose as graciously as possible.

"So where am I going to sleep?" I ask as Kyle returns from the bathroom, having changed into a pair of pajama pants and a white long sleeved shirt. He ponders the question for a moment or two.

"Hmm...well you're the guest and all so you oughta take my bed...but I really don't think it'd be good if my parents knew you were here, so that rules out either of us sleeping on the couch..." He remains quiet.

"W-well...we could always share I guess?" I suggest. My face feels warm and my voice is shaky. If Kyle notices, he doesn't comment. Simply weighs the options in his head and finally comes to a decision.

"Yeah, that's fine. There should be enough room for both of us. It might be kinda tight though." Like music to my ears, he agrees to my invitation. He climbs onto the bed and under the blanket. "I've only got one comforter so we'll have to share...Sorry."

"It's cool," I say, when I'm actually thanking god for this fact. He climbs into the bed and smiles in embarrassment, inviting me to join him. My heart beats like a drum, like some pissed off bastard is bashing out angst-ridden, angry notes and rhythms from the muscle in my chest. I tentatively climb in next to him; our bodies are pressed up next to each other and I feel an intense heat radiating off of my face. I want to curl up in a ball and hide, run as far away as I can, and turn to him and pull his face to mine and kiss him, somehow all in equal amount. He's out in a matter of minutes. I turn and watch him. His chest rises and falls with each inhale and exhale. Suddenly he shifts and he has his arms around me.

Every muscle in my body stiffens. If I move even slightly and cause him to wake up, I don't know what'll happen. But just looking at him...so peaceful and cute...I feel like I can't help myself. Our faces are so close together. I want to close the distance and connect our lips. I can hear my heart beating. Maybe...if I just lightly kiss him...

He twitches and rolls back over. I sigh with disappointment. The tension leaves my body slowly. I flip over and face the wall. I wonder how I'm ever going to get to sleep with him so close by. Our feet are tangled together. I can't fight off my erection. If only the scene were a little different, this moment would be completely perfect.

Okay Kenny. Breathe. In. Out. I feel a little calmer. I resolve to stay facing the wall no matter what. I try to stop thinking about him lying there, only a few inches away, in the same bed as me...I mentally slap myself. I need to think of something, anything. I close my eyes and reminisce of when we were younger. All the crazy shit that has happened to us over the years. Suddenly my eyelids feel heavy. I welcome sleep with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

K2 Save Me From Myself Chapter 2

I awake with Kenny passed out next to me. I smile at the sight. He's snoring, left arm flung over his head. His blonde hair is disheveled and frames his face and lightly drapes over his forehead. He looks so much younger in his sleep, but they say that s true of everyone. The peaceful scene is heartwarming, filling me in a completely ineffable way. Then I shudder as I remember last night. I almost let him kiss me...

I'm so awful. I know he has feelings for me, at least I think he does, and I almost let that happen. The truth is I'm just lonely. I'm in love with someone who's not around anymore. If only he still were...

No matter what, I can't lead Kenny on. I don't care how lonely I get, I'm not going to do something like that to a friend. My best friend, as it turns out. And he's going through such a horrible time right now. I can't add to that pain. I get up and go to take a shower. I think if he woke up with me next to him it would be too much for him. It was hard enough for me to ethically agree to us sleeping in the same bed. At least last night he was drunk. Maybe he won't remember anything when he wakes up.

I turn the water up as hot as it will go. I gasp a little as the warmth envelopes me, practically scalding my tender flesh. It's like the embrace of a lover to me. I stand there for a moment or two, just soaking up as much warmth as I can. I never feel warmth anymore. I'm always cold. No feelings beyond the cold.

I look down at my arms. At the little lines that criss-cross them. Say what you will about Kenny, at least he didn't become a little emo bitch. I shudder at the word. Emo. Cutter. Sick freak. I feel tears, angry and sad, well up in my eyes. No. I won't cry. Not anymore. That's what I cut for, so I don't have to cry. But I can't now...not with Kenny so close by...he might notice.

I don't remember when I started anymore. It seems like I've been this way forever. I guess it was some time after...after he left. And then everyone else moved on with their lives, while I'm still stuck here. Just like Kenny. I'm in college, but I'm not going anywhere. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Nothing I do has any meaning.

I snicker at myself. What a selfish little bitch I am. Kenny's facing so much more than me, yet I give in to the call of the razor. Granted, he gives in to the call of alcohol, but it somehow seems different.

It's a good thing we live here. I can get away with wearing long sleeves pretty much all the time and no one thinks anything of it. Even if I didn't wear long sleeves, who would care enough to notice something like that? No one sees anything that contradicts what they already believe. Seeing scars on me, the perfect little smart kid, that wouldn't make sense. So people would simply choose not to see it.

But is that true with Kenny? If he saw my arms, would he notice the scars? The imperfection? Would he be able to see me? 'Cause no one else does. No one sees me. So does that mean I don't exist? I don't matter? I'm nothing? The razor beckons to me, to end my silent questioning.

The water's beginning to turn cold. I finish up and get out, wrapping a towel around my waist. I look at my blurry reflection in the fogged up mirror. Heh. What a perfect metaphor. Only able to see an outline, but none of the details, none of what's real. I wipe away a bit of the fog, look at my face. I sigh. I wish I hadn't. I can't stand the sight. Dull green eyes, disgusting bright red hair that refuses to behave, pasty face. I leave the bathroom.

Kenny's awake and sitting up on my bed. He looks awful. His face is pale and his eyes are bloodshot. They blink at me and widen. I remember that I'm not wearing clothes.

"Oh God, sorry! I didn't think you'd be awake!" I exclaim, running into my closet and hiding behind the door. "Just, uh, close your eyes and I'll tell you when I'm dressed." God this is embarrassing. I peek out from behind the door. He covers his eyes with his hands. I pull out clothes and throw them on, not paying attention to what I grab. "Okay, I'm good." He uncovers his eyes. "I'm really sorry."

"It's okay." There's an awkward silence. I shift from one foot to the other. "My head is pounding so fucking bad. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Yeah, sure." I go downstairs, grab a bottle of Advil, and walk back up. I hand him the bottle. He takes it but stares at me. He grabs my arm. Only then do I realize I'm wearing short sleeves...

"...Kyle...what're those?" he asks, shaking my arm slightly to indicate what he means. Like I needed clarification. I bite my lip and avert my eyes. He shakes my arm more roughly. "What the fuck are these?"

"Nothing." I yank my arm out of his grip and turn away from him. I can't bear to see the disgust in his eyes. "It doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't! You've been cutting? Are you serious? For how long?" I still won't look at him. I don't know what to say. He stands and whips me around so that I must look him in the face. His blue eyes flash angrily, a look of fierceness carved into his normally jovial features; this is a look I ve never seen before. I m partially intrigued and also partially frightened. Kenny exudes an air of danger, which is an air I do not want to mess with. "How fucking long?!"

"I...I don't know..." I mumble. I duck my head. I'm so ashamed of myself. What makes me feel even worse is there's nothing I want more right now than to be swiping metal across my arm. "...A year...Maybe longer..."

"God. Why?" I don't answer. What is there to say? It's not like there is a good reason, anything to excuse this sick obsession. I know that it s wrong. I know what a freak it makes me. But I can t seem to stop. "Kyle! Answer me god dammit!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I scream. I push him away from me. "I don't know! I just can't deal with everything! I can't deal with the sadness and the pain and the fear! One day I just...it just happened. I don't have any excuses. Can you just...just forget about it please?"

"Are you fucking kidding? I'm not going to forget this! And I'm not going to let you do this anymore." He lets go of me and goes searching through my room.

"Wh-what are you doing?" I ask, my voice cracking. He gives me an are-you-fucking-serious look before continuing his search. When he's become sufficiently irritated he turns to me.

"Well? Where is it?" he asks. I know what he's talking about, but I just want to pretend I don't. "Kyle, you better fucking tell me where you keep whatever it is you use. If you don't, I'm going to tell your parents."

"NO!" I gasp. They...God, I don't even know what they would do to me. "You can't...please...I need it..." Kenny barks out a harsh laugh, but there is no humor in the gesture.

"You need it? What are you, a junkie? Tell me where you fucking keep it, Kyle." Tears well up in my eyes. They spill over. I can't help it. I stand there, a sniveling idiot, while my best friend tries to find my razor. How I want it right now. "Kyle, I swear to god."

"It's..." I sniffle, close my eyes. "Right corner of the mattress..." I cover my face as he goes to find my stash of razor blades. I hear him pull up the mattress. I peek through my fingers to see him collecting all the razors that lie there. Some have blood on them. I feel sick. My stomach churns in fear, and I feel like I really might vomit. He slips them in his pocket.

"Are there any more anywhere else?" he asks, his voice shaking with the effort of staying calm. I shake my head, unable to speak. "Good. I'm disposing of these. And I wanna see your arms at least once a week. Any new cuts and I swear I'll rat you out." I cover my face with my hands again. I just want to be cutting right now. Why did this have to happen?

"Why are you doing this to me? They help...more than anything else ever has..." Kenny sighs and comes toward me. He pulls my hands away from my face.

"This is for your own good. You'll thank me for this some day. Next time you need to cut, come talk to me, okay?" I don't respond. He hugs me, but I don't move at all. When he lets go I turn around so I don't have to look at him.

"Please just go...I want to be alone." He sighs, but does as I ask. He leaves, shutting the door quietly behind him. I am alone in my room. I slowly sink to the floor and sob into my hands.


	3. Chapter 3

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 3

I can't believe Kyle. I don't know if I'm mostly angry, concerned, afraid, or sympathetic. I don't know. How could he have hidden something like this from me? And for over a year? Am I really that oblivious? Then again, this is Kyle I'm talking about. He's always been secretive, shy. If he wants something hidden, it stays that way. And I'm sure no one else knows. But still...

I wonder what's so awful that he needs to hurt himself over it. I can't think of anything that would be bad enough in Kyle's life that he needs to numb it with physical pain. Then again, I'm not living Kyle's life, so who am I to judge?

But after all that crap he spewed, about how he'd be there for me, pull me back from the brink of self-destruction, how can he make such promises when he's so close to it himself? I'm not sure who's the bigger hypocrite among us. I suppose it doesn't matter now. As long as I can keep him from doing it, everything will be okay.

But was my threat an empty one? Could I really tell Kyle's parents, knowing how much he would hate me for it? Even if it is for his own good, I don't know if I could be that selfless...No. If it's to keep him from hurting himself, I'll do it, even if he never forgives me...but I...well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. And I'll just hope I never have to.

I pull the razors out of my pocket. Study them. They repulse me. How can he do something like this? Kyle's always been so...so strong. What could cause him to break so badly that he has to seek solace in pain? But even as I wonder, I think I can figure out the answer. It's the same thing that causes me to soothe my own aching heart with a bottle or ten. It's love.

I head in to work. Even though I'm a total boozer, I still manage to keep a job. Granted, it's working in a mechanics shop, but still. All I think of during my shift is him. His beautiful pale skin, smooth and clear of blemishes. His bright, curly red hair. Vivid green eyes. Soft, inviting lips I shake myself slightly and sigh, trying to calm the pounding in my chest. I call him when I go on break.

"Yes?" he answers, clearly irritated. I sigh quietly. I really hope things can be okay with us. I let him try to help me with my problem, why won't he let me do the same for him?

"I just wanted to say hi. Check in and all." He huffs on the other end in agitation.

"I don't need a babysitter. I can take care of myself."

"I know, I..." I sigh. Why is he being like this? Is he really so mad that I'm trying to help him? "I didn't mean it like that. Please don't be mad..." It's his turn to sigh.

"Sorry. I just...I don't know. Could you maybe come over later?" I perk up at this suggestion. God, I'm so hopeless. He just wants to hang out, nothing else is going to happen.

"Yeah, sure. When?" I ask. We agree on a time and I head back to work. I daydream all day about what I wish I could do to Kyle. I wonder what he would think if he knew about the thoughts that flit across my brain every day, the ones that involve him. I wonder if he'd allow me to try some of them.

I shake myself from my thoughts once again. If Kyle wanted to do that, I'm pretty sure we'd be doing it. But...then again...Kyle's never been the type of person to take risks. If he doesn't know that I feel this way, maybe he wouldn't make a move. Maybe he's waiting for me to. I gulp. Could I make a move, knowing that it's possible, maybe even likely, that I'll be met with rejection? Could I do that? I've made the first move before but...never in a circumstance like this one. Never with someone this important. And Kyle's so fragile...if I tried to make a move, would it send him back into the arms of his razor blades?

I shudder as I think of him doing that. I still can't believe it. And...seeing him...break down like he did when I found out...I've never seen Kyle like that. So...helpless. I wanted so much to comfort him, to hold him and tell him it would be all right, but I couldn't make a promise like that. And I was still too angry.

Soon my shift is over and it's time for me to go home, to my empty house. I walk in the front door, seeing what I saw in my childhood, but empty now. Hollow. No children sitting on the couch or on the floor, no parents yelling, no cans of beer lying around. Well...that last one is still true at least. Even though my childhood was far from ideal, I still miss those things sometimes. It was...comforting in some strange way. Maybe just because it was familiar. God how I miss Karen. She was my baby sister, and I was supposed to protect her. Protect her from the cold, dark world that we live in. But instead, I just introduced her to more torment. The thought of how I abandoned her makes me want to drink, but I know I can't, especially if I'm going to see Kyle in a little bit.

I go to her old room. Posters still line the walls, a few bits of clothing still left in the closet. But any essence of her has left. The room is merely a room, as meaningful as an unmarked grave. Will I ever see her again?

I walk to Kyle's house, the cold air whipping my face. His parents aren't home and Ike is staying the night at a friend's house. Under different circumstances, this would be an ideal situation. But tonight it doesn't really matter.

I ring the doorbell and he opens the door. He's wearing a long sleeved gray hoodie and blue jeans. His face is somber. He moves aside for me to step over the threshold and closes the door. He stands there, looking at me, his arms wrapped around his torso.

"Well...wanna go upstairs?" I ask. He doesn't say a word. I'm not sure what to do. He looks so strange; I'm not even sure how to describe the look on his face. "Kyle?"

Suddenly, he's attacking me, pushing me against the wall and slamming his fists into my face and stomach. I cough as a sharp pain splinters up the back of my head. He's hitting me and screaming and crying. I fend off the blows as best I can. He soon becomes sloppy, losing energy. He collapses into a ball on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I sink to the floor next to him. I put my arms around him.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." he cries, over and over. I shush him and hold him close. He sobs into my chest. "Kenny, I'm so, so sorry..."

"I know." I whisper. He looks up at me. "It's okay. You didn't mean it." And then he's kissing me. Just like that, our lips coming together in a rough, sloppy mess. I wasn't expecting it, and at first I thought maybe I was dreaming, but he presses his lips to mine and begins to kiss me hungrily. He bites and sucks on my bottom lip, just begging for more. I kiss him back passionately. He pulls away long enough to say the words he'd only ever said in my wildest, most vivid dreams:

"I want you." He gets off of me and drags me up the stairs. He pushes me onto his bed and gets on top of me, grinding his hips on mine in a way I didn't think Kyle knew how. He leans in close and bites my ear. "Fuck me hard."

He begins to pull and tear at my clothes. This all seems so surreal. He licks and sucks and bites, leaving marks and hickies all down my chest. With shaking hands I pull his shirt over his head. I begin to undo his pants, but he becomes impatient and rips them off himself. We are naked, in his empty house, about to do what I'd been dreaming of for months. But then, he uttered two words, two simple little words, that break my heart and maybe even my soul:

"Hurt me." I stop dead. I feel cold everywhere. He looks up from what he was doing, looking into my eyes. "Why'd you stop?" he asks, his eyebrows knit together in confusion over his sparkling green eyes. I shove him off of me and wrap his blanket around myself.

"Is that all this is to you? You wanna feel pain? I took away your razor so now you're looking for a new source?" He gets back on top of me.

"Please Kenny, I need this," he begs, his voice itself drawing me in. I can barely resist him. "Please..." He begins kissing me again, and it feels so good, how can I refuse him? But I have to. I push him away once more.

"I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to be your new way of hurting yourself." His sadness turns to rage. He leans in close, slowly, dangerously.

"You think you have any choice?" he whispers ferociously. I've never heard anything quite so spine-tingling before. "You're gonna fuck me hard Kenny McCormick, and I'll finally feel okay again. Are you going to deny me my chance at happiness? Because I swear," he whispers, "I'm going to have it, and you're going to give it to me."

I wake up in an unfamiliar place. I slowly open my eyes. It is now I notice the weight next to me. It is Kyle. We are both naked. I smile excitedly. Had we finally...but then the memory of last night floods into my brain. Every scream, every moan, every sick detail rushing through my mind. I look down at myself. I'm covered in scratches, bruises, bite marks. Kyle must look about the same, if not worse. I feel sick. Kyle begins stirring. He turns to look at me. He actually smiles.

"Heyyy," he mumbles, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek. The gentlest gesture he's shone me thus far. "Did you have fun last night?" The world felt tilted, off balance, askew, wrong. Sick. I feel like I may fall off of it at any moment. I want to run and hide, or crawl into bed and just sleep forever. After...all this time...everything I've felt...and it had to happen like THIS?

"I...I have to go..." I jump out of the bed and scramble for my clothes. Kyle sits up, draping the blanket around himself. I can't even look at him without feeling nauseous.

"What's wrong?" he asks. I ignore his question, continuing my search for my clothes. He gets off the bed and watches me. "Was it bad for you?" I scoff at the absurdity of his inquiry. "Kenny, why won't you look at me?"

"Because you used me! You used me and I let it happen and I...I can't look at you without being repulsed and disgusted with myself. Just...I have to go." He comes over and takes my hand, still holding the blanket up around his waist. I shudder at his touch.

"Please don't leave...I really enjoyed last night. And you can't tell me that some part of you didn't too." I close my eyes. I know that he's right. And that just makes me feel even worse. "What's wrong with what we did?"

"It didn't..." I stop myself before saying what I was about to, that it didn't mean anything to him. "You just wanted to feel pain! That's all it was for you, your way of escaping reality with physical pain!" He laughs.

"I felt a lot last night Kenny, and it wasn't pain. Well...some of it was...but God was it worth it." I feel him shiver with delight. "I don't see anything wrong with that." If it was anyone else, I'd agree. But it's Kyle. Meaningless sex and Kyle are two things I never wanted to mix. My heart is shattered. I can't stay here any longer, or I'll break down completely.

"I need to be alone." I yank my arm from his grasp and slip out the door before he can try to stop me again. I leave him alone, among the stains and bruises, along with our shattered friendship.


	4. Chapter 4

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 4

I stare at the door. The door he'd used to escape me. And the good feeling I'd had tagged along with him. I fall to the floor, too numb to cry. I can't believe what I just did. I used him. I used him like a doll, I threw him around and had my fun, and then I left him. I know how he feels about me...but I did it anyway. I'm such an awful person.

I've never craved the bite of metal quite so much before. I can't get these feelings out; they're trapped inside me. They're poison, infecting my whole body. I desperately think of some way to get rid of these suffocating feelings. Suddenly I look down at myself. I'm covered in cuts. All I have to do is open one wider and I'll feel better. I find a cut on my arm and dig my nail into it. I wince at the pain, and then I sigh contentedly. I even smile. I feel so relaxed, all the guilt and self-hatred washing clean of my body as the blood trickles. I wrap my hand around my arm, feel the warm and wet liquid squelch between my fingers. I fall asleep on my floor, naked, bleeding, wrapped in a sheet stained with the essence of him.

I wake up sore. There's a line of dried blood streaked down my arm. I feel cold. I shiver and climb onto the bed, pulling my comforter up to my chin. I think about calling Kenny, but I'm not sure if he wants to talk to me anymore. I don't know anything...

I decide I'll give him some space for now. Besides I've got class in about an hour anyway. Oh shit, I've got class in about an hour. I need to make sure I'm presentable...I check the wound I opened on my arm. It's clotted. Maybe I'll put a bandage on it just in case. I go to the mirror and check my face. I wince as I do so.

Yellowing bruises, nasty cuts, dried blood. I think I ought to take a shower. I hurry to the bathroom and start running the water. The heat is devastating against my tender skin. I wash away the dried blood. Some of the cuts reopen and bleed a little more. I just stand there and watch the water swirl and mix with the blood, all of it emptying down the drain. I sigh in satisfaction.

When I'm done, I get out and head to school. Class goes as you'd expect, nothing strange. People asked about my face, and I just said I got in a fight. I made up some bullshit story and people believed it. I wonder if that'll spread or not. Hopefully it's the latter.

I went home. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. I couldn't feel...anything. I was hollow. I've felt this way before, but it's always been confusing. Sometimes I welcome this numbness; anything besides the weight of sorrow. But...I'm not sure how to feel right now.

I need to get out of the house. I head to the mall. I'm not really sure what I plan to do there, I just need to see something besides the walls that always surround me. The walls that have witnessed me break down numerous times. I see people I know, people I haven't seen in a while. Bebe. Clyde. Craig. I gag audibly as I see Wendy walk by with Token. "Slut!" I want to scream after her. But I don't. I merely move on.

Suddenly Butters comes running up to me. He smiles and attacks me, hugging me tightly. I'm so surprised I almost fall over. I haven't seen Butters in months.

"Hey Kyle! It's so great to see you!" he exclaims, pulling away to beam at me. The gesture is so strange to me. I haven't seen anyone that happy in...God knows how long. But then his happy expression shifts to concern. "What happened to your face?" I laugh at the question; it would sound rude coming from anyone besides him.

"I got in a fight. It was dumb," I state simply. He seems in awe of me. He wants to know the details. I shift just slightly, feeling guilty about lying to someone like Butters. "This guy was just spewing a bunch of anti-Semitic crap and I overreacted. Really, it's not a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" he scoffs at the suggestion. "You're all beat up and bruised! It must've been a good fight. Did you win?" I thought about it for a moment.

"...Yeah. I guess I did." Because if I'm being honest, didn't I gain the most from that little experience? All it did was hurt Kenny. I, on the other hand, never have felt quite so at peace. Sex might be an even better painkiller than the razor. Butters claps me on the back. I try not to wince.

"All right! You show that racist jerk!" Butters smiles proudly. I can't help but smile a little myself. His innocence is so refreshing. It's the kind of thing I needed to put things in perspective.

"Thanks Butters."

I make my way over to Kenny's, set on apologizing. I'm not sure if he will be home or not, but I guess I'll see. His house is as it always has been; old and run down and poor. Yet the familiarity is comforting. I hop up the steps, careful to jump over the crumbling one, and knock on the door. Kenny answers in a matter of minutes.

"Hey Ke-" before I can finish, he's pulling me inside by my shirt and kissing me feverishly. I don't even think, I just give in. He begins stripping my clothes off of me and I allow it. What better way to apologize than with giving him what he wants?

He positions himself against me. Suddenly I'm on fire, exploding from the inside. I scream. I dig my nails into the floor, breathing in heavy, shaking gasps. It didn't hurt as much as last time, but still. He enters in further and I can't control the animalistic noises that escape my mouth. His nails dig into my back, adding to the barely scabbed scratches that trail along my entire body. I feel him release, warmth spreading through me. He lets out an exhausted breath and pulls out. He's passed out in a matter of minutes. I smile to myself. I lean in close, my mouth pressed against his ear.

"Please accept my apology."

I wake up for the second time today on a floor. Kenny is lying next to me, propped up on his arm and still naked, just staring at me. I blink a few times before meeting his gaze. His expression is puzzled.

"Why did you let me do that?" he asks. His brow is furrowed, his jaw set. I don't think he's angry anymore; he just seems confused. His confusion confuses me.  
"Because you wanted to?" I answer. He raises a single blonde eyebrow. "It was my way of apologizing. You deserve to be a little selfish after...what I did to you..." He merely sighs.

"So it didn't mean anything to you." The question is a statement. Now I'm even more confused.

"...I just told you what it meant. It meant that I'm sorry. I regret using you like I did, so I let you use me." He turns away from me. "What's wrong? I just want things to be okay."

"Everything's fine Kyle. It's all just fine."

"...You promise?" He turns and looks at me funny, like he wants to smile and cry at the same time. He leans in and kisses me. I let him and I even kiss back a little.

"I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 5

Kyle stays at my house after we've...god what do I even call it...had sex? Fucked? Screwed each other over? I don't know. We sit and listen to music, talking of nothing. I want so much to be alone, but I can't explain to him why, so I merely tolerate his intrusion. Even though being this close to him while still being galaxies away is heart wrenchingly painful.

Eventually, however, he leaves. Once he's gone I am allowed to wallow in self-pity. How can he see things the way he does? Does he really only see sex as meaningless, something that is had when you desire to feel pain? Does he not think of love at all? I had no idea Kyle was so far gone. I want more than anything to be able to pull him back from the brink, but how can I when I'm on such unsure footing myself? And he can't even see the ledge he's standing on; he thinks he's safe. That he's just got issues with depression, but that he's dealing with it. He really is naive.

Half of me is worried about him and half of me is angry. Why is he so blind? Why can't he see how much I care for him? Why doesn't that drown out his pain? Why can't he feel the same way for me? Why is everything still so fucked up?

This is such a strange turn of events. I'm the one in love, and Kyle's the one who doesn't feel anything. I want nothing more than to curl up into a ball of misery and stay there forever. But I can't. I have to be strong. One of us has to be.

Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Oh god. Please don't tell me he came back. I can't deal with this right now. I sigh and head toward the door. What's waiting for me on the other side is something I hadn't expected.

It is Karen.

"Hey big brother," she says, a small, cautious smile playing across her lips. She looks awful. Her clothes are filthy, her hair a tangled mess, her face smudged with dirt. I pull her into a tight hug.

"Karen...I'm so sorry," I mumble. The tears fall freely. She wraps her arms around me, her tears soaking into my shirt. At this moment, I don't think anything could make me happier. "Things are different now, I swear. I'll never do that to you again."

"I know."

I welcome her inside. We talk about everything. About where she's been, what she's been doing, how she managed. It wasn't a pretty story. "He had his hand on my thigh and...he was moving closer...so I punched him in the face. But that just made him mad. He backhanded me and I fell. I scrambled to find something to defend myself with. I grabbed a metal pipe and hit him as hard as I could. He fell backwards and...I just ran...I don't know what happened. I stayed the night in the alley while it was raining." She sniffles and blew her nose on a wadded up tissue. I hand her a fresh one.

"You have no idea how much I regret what I did to you...I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I swear I will." She smiles a bit.

"I know you will. It's okay. And you're obviously clean now. What changed?" she asks. My eyes left hers and centered on the floor. How much should I tell her? "Kenny?" Well...she told me all of her story so...

"I fell in love with Kyle," I blurt out suddenly. Her pretty blue eyes, so similar to my own, light up with happiness and she smiles.

"That's so great! I'm really happy for you two." I begin laughing as I realize what she is thinking. She cocks her head to the side. "What's so funny?"

"Oh, nothing. It's just that we aren't like that. I love him, but I don't think he knows it. We started sleeping together but it doesn't mean anything to him. He's been...umm...well, he has been going through a hard time and I've been trying to help him. One thing led to another...and...now I don't really know what to do."

"Oh...Kenny..." She hugs me. "Why don't you just tell him?"

"If I tell him...then..." I feel more tears begin to stream down my face. "I don't know what will happen. He might stop talking to me or move away like everyone else has or...I just don't know. At least this way there's a chance that I can continue. 'Cause...at least when I'm with him, I'm not completely alone."

"Wow..." she murmurs. Her eyes are stained with unshed tears. "I guess I wasn't the only one who was hurt by my leaving..." I wipe my eyes.

"It's not your fault. And it wasn't just you anyway...it was everyone. I've been really screwed up for a long time. Only now am I really starting to see how much."

"But...you can't just keep lying to Kyle like this. You have to tell him the truth. He might like you too. If you told him then you could be together for real." I smile sadly.

"Oh Karen. I'm sorry, but that's just naive. I already know that there's not much chance of coming back from this." She looks at me, puzzled.

"Then why keep up this charade if you know it will only cause you pain?" The answer was quite simple.

"Because he needs me."

I call Kyle later that day and tell him that Karen has come home. He is ecstatic for me. He sounds much better. There is a certain lightness to his voice that I haven't heard recently.

"I'm really happy things are getting better for you." I want to laugh at that statement. If only he knew how wrong he was. "So you've sorted things out?"

"Pretty much, yeah. She's gonna go back to school and I'm going to keep working. I don't know if I'll pull in enough to feed both of us, but if things get tight she can always get a part time job."

"I wasn't exactly talking about the finances you know..."

"Well...we talked and everything just kinda sorted itself out. She told me about what happened, I apologized, so did she, and that was it. We still don't know where Mom and Dad are or if they'll come back but..." I trail off, unsure of where that was supposed to go. Kyle breaks the silence.

"As long as she's there to stay, I think things will be all right. So, have you thought about going back to school at all?" I snort.

"Yeah, 'cause I have time to go to school when I'm the sole provider for a sixteen year old girl. Duh Kyle." He laughs at my comment, which makes me smile. Damn him.

"I didn't mean right away silly. But I guess as long as Karen's in school it will be kinda hard for you to go to school at all...And she's still got about three years of high school. And then you have to consider college for her..." This conversation was starting to bore me, not to mention depress me. I already know what a failure my future is going to be, I don't need to be reminded. Not to mention I have to somehow provide a future for my sister.

"I'm just kinda putting off thinking about it seriously. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it." This is so strange. Talking to Kyle like this. Even though a few weeks ago we could've talked like this and it would've been the most natural thing in the world. Now it just feels foreign to me.

"Oh hey, I gotta go; I have to pick up Ike from hockey practice. See ya." He hangs up. I sigh into the phone which just moments ago projected the voice of the one I love. Now there is nothing but the vast silence.

"Kenny?" Karen calls from the doorway, making me jump. I'm going to have to get used to her being around. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'd just rather be alone right now please." She fidgets in the doorway.

"...well...you know you have work in like fifteen minutes, right?" she asks. I completely spaced on it. I grab my coat and gave her a farewell hug. "Have a good day..." Her parting words were about as heart-felt as Kyle's as he screams my name.

Work is uneventful and boring. There isn't much to do today, which means I have very little distraction from my settling depression. I feel like I'm merely going in dizzying rotations of the same thoughts. I'm in love with Kyle, I can't go to school, I'll have no real life, and I'll be stuck in this town forever. I don't see an end to this vicious cycle.

Maybe I should tell him...I mean, do I really think that he'd stop talking to me because I like him? Sure things might be weird for a while but...I don't think that would really break our friendship completely. Kyle's a rational (well, when it comes to issues that aren't his own) person and I think he could understand. So...I don't know...maybe I finally will tell him.

I decide to go visit him. If I'm going to tell him, I want it to be in person. And...well...it's always possible he likes me too. After all, he does keep having sex with me. Maybe he says it doesn't mean anything because he's scared it really doesn't. Either way I can't take this indecision anymore. I have to tell him.

I walk to his house after work. I call Karen on the way and tell her where I'm going. She says all right and she'll order a pizza. I smile and hang up. At least I'll have food waiting for me at home after.

Time seems to slow as his house finally comes into view. Every step takes an hour; every breath I take sounds magnified. I begin shaking. I raise an unsteady fist to the front door. I have to try five times to gather the courage to finally connect my knuckles against the wood. His mother answers the door and tells me Kyle is upstairs. I thank her as I pass by. I'm not even sure this is real anymore.

His door is open. I quietly step inside. He's on the phone with someone. I clear my throat softly to let him know I'm here. He turns and smiles at me, his bright green eyes aglow with happiness, causing my heart to melt. I may just fall to the floor and die at any moment from that look.

"Thanks a lot for telling me! But I have to go, I have company. I'll talk to you later." He hangs up the phone and sighs happily, and then looks up at me again. He throws himself at me, hugging me tightly. I wrap my arms around him. "Kenny, I'm so happy! Have you heard?" He pulls away, beaming.

"Heard what?" I ask, although I really couldn't care less right now. Just holding him like that, even if only for a moment, has made me so happy that nothing else seems to matter.

"Stan's back!" he screams, barely able to contain himself. His eyes sparkle, his cheeks are aflame with a light blush, and he can't stop smiling. And in that moment, my heart is completely broken, ripped into tiny little shreds that could never be sewn back together. I can't believe I didn't realize this. Kyle is in love, all right. And it's with Stan.


	6. Chapter 6

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 6

My chest feels tight. My stomach flutters. I feel a bit dizzy. My face hurts from smiling so much. But I don't care. All of those sensations are sweeter than the sweetest thing imaginable right now, because they're caused by one thing: Stan's return. I've missed him so much during his time away. We used to call each other and write occasionally, but lately he hasn't been keeping in contact, and I didn't want to seem clingy. But none of that matters now because he's home. I haven't seen him in about a year. I wonder how much he's changed.

Stan went into the army. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life, but he had always been patriotic, and the call to serve his country was strong in him. I'm not sure what finally convinced him to go, but he left, and there was nothing I could do to stop him. And what right did I have to try? He was doing what he thought would make him happy, and I could never keep him from that. But his absence left me confused and aching. Why was I so hurt by his decision to go? I didn't realize until after he left why I cared so much: I was in love with him.

And now he's home. Wendy cheated on him with Token while he was away, which means he is single now. I finally have a chance. My excitement is palpable.  
He messaged me on Facebook last night and said he would come over to hang out. I'm awaiting his arrival now, and I'm practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. I take a few deep breaths to try and calm down, but it's no good. I just sit on my bed, trembling with anxiousness.

Finally I hear the doorbell ring. I run down the stairs, then stand there for a moment or two, so I don't seem too eager. After a reasonable amount of time, I open the door. I gasp at the sight that meets my eyes.

There he stands, but he looks so incredibly different. His hair is cut close to his head; he's far more built than he was when he left. But...the strangest thing is his eyes. They seem so...hardened. He looks up at me, and I can see pain and sorrow in their sparkling blue depths. Yet he smiles all the same.

"Hey Kyle," he says, his voice sounding just as it had on the day he left. Smooth and familiar and deep. It takes my breath away a little. He stands there, taking me in as I had him. "You don't seem to have changed at all huh?" Oh Stan. If only you knew. I step aside so he can come in. He hobbles through the doorway, seeming to drag his left leg rather than walk on it.

"Hey Stan...why are you walking so funny?" I ask. He grimaces as he sits on the couch. He looks up at me, his face pained, his eyes dark.

"I...umm..." he sighs and looks down at the ground, not saying another word. He closes his eyes and slowly rolls up the leg of his pants. I stare at what's there, my mouth falling open in shock, then look back up at him.

"Oh my God...what happened?" I ask, not knowing what else to say. He grimaces again and rolls down his pants. His eyes remain shut.

"It was just outside Basra. We were driving. They came out of nowhere and rammed our truck with their own. Those of us who managed to get out tried to run. They had bombs strapped to their chests and they ran at us. I...I couldn't get out of the way...The doctors say I'm lucky to have only lost a leg."

"Oh God...that's...awful...I'm so sorry..." He sighs.

"Don't say that, please. I'm so sick of everyone fucking apologizing to me. It's not your fault and there's nothing you can do to make it better, okay?"

"I'm sorry...I mean, I just, umm...I don't really know what to say..." He sighs for the umpteenth time and nods his head. I feel nervous, like I'm saying entirely the wrong thing. The only problem is what is the right thing? Is there even a right thing to say in a situation like this?

"It's okay; I didn't mean to snap at you like that. So...I actually came by here first 'cause I'm kinda nervous about going to see Wendy...as I am." I furrow my brow in confusion, before my eyes widened in understanding. Stan doesn't know...

"Stan...Umm, I don't know how to say this but...Wendy cheated on you..." I confess. He stares at me, eyes widening, before glaring at me.

"No. Wendy wouldn't do that. Why would you say that? She..." His anger slowly deflates into uncertainty. He shrinks in on himself. "She wouldn't do that..." he whispers, but he doesn't seem convinced himself. I went over and sat next to him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. He leans into me. My heart begins to beat faster. His lips were so close to mine...tempting me... He sat up abruptly, jostling me from my fantasies. "I have to go talk to her." And with that, he left. I sank back into the couch cushions, wanting to cry for some reason. Or maybe cut. Or maybe go see Kenny.

Stan's POV

I get in the car and drive to Wendy's house. There's no way Kyle was telling the truth. But...Kyle has no reason to lie to me. And he never has lied before. God...this is one fucked up situation.

I pull into Wendy's driveway and go knock on the front door. Her mom answers and tells me that Wendy is up in her room. From the look on her face, I can tell something's wrong. She looks guilty and uncomfortable. My belief in Wendy's morals is starting to slowly crumble and fall to the ground. I reach her room and knock on the door. She opens it and gasps at the sight of me.

"Stan!" she screams, throwing her arms around me. I stumble a bit from the sudden weight, but hug her back anyway. I'm actually quite glad I was able to keep my balance; that's something I've been having trouble with. "When did you get back?" Only then do I remember why I've come. I push her away from me.  
"Wendy, we need to talk." She looks at me with a puzzled expression. Feigning innocence huh? She leads me into her room and we sit on her bed. "I heard about what you did."

"Wh...what are you talking about?" she asks. The fact that she's playing dumb just pisses me off. She doesn't even show the slightest bit of guilt!

"You cheated on me!" I scream at her. She looks stricken, but I can clearly see the truth all over her face. "I can't believe you...and you tried to hide it from me! What the hell?"

"I...I'm so sorry...I was just lonely...and it was only one time..." She starts crying. "I hadn't heard from you for a week...Token came over to comfort me...one thing lead to another and...I just didn't want you to have to find out..." She just sits there, sniveling and looking pathetic. I sigh. "Please forgive me..."

"I want to...but...I don't know." She throws herself on me and begins crying into my chest. I couldn't help but hold her. After all...she said it was only the one time... "I forgive you." She looks up at me.

"Really?" she asks. I kiss her in response. She kisses back, and I can feel her tears fall onto my face. When we pull away she's smiling so broadly, and that makes everything seem okay again. "I promise you won't regret this." So why do those words feel so chilling?

Kyle's POV

I get a call from Stan a few hours later. He tells me that he and Wendy have gotten back together. I feel my heart sink in my chest. God...how is he so dumb?

"Why would you fucking do that? She cheated on you! What...why would you get back together with someone like that?" I ask incredulously. I knew that feeling I had earlier was justified.

"Well...she said it was just the one time...and...I love her...at least I think I do..." I sigh. He doesn't know how deep those words cut me. And he never will.  
"If you think this will make you happy, then go for it, I guess. I'm just not sure I condone this..."

"Duly noted. Anyway, I gotta go. I'll see you around Kyle." He hangs up. I snap my phone shut with a melancholy sigh. I can't believe him...after all he's been through, he really wants to return to a crumbling relationship? I guess he's just looking for something that's familiar, something that hasn't changed.

Then again, who am I to sit in judgment? I keep running back to Kenny every time I get an itch I can't scratch, a dose of emotion that's just a bit too much for me to handle. I even know how he feels for me, yet I don't care enough to stop. No matter how much the guilt eats away at me, I always return. I can't go to him because of this. I just can't.

He calls me, but I am hesitant to answer. If I talk to him I may not be able to contain myself. I can already feel the irrational side of me starting to take over. I switch my phone off and head to bed. I'm not going to do this to Kenny anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 7

Damn him. Why won't he pick up his phone? What's going on? Did he talk to Stan? Have they gotten together? Goddammit, I need to know!

I leave Kyle a dozen voice mails, but he doesn't return my calls all day. His phone must be off. What the fuck is he doing? Are he and Stan...I'm not even gonna think about that. I can't deal with this uncertainty. I grab my coat and start walking to his house. Thankfully, it's late enough that Karen is asleep. No need to worry her. Or have her talk me out of this.

I arrive at his house. I make my way around to the side, where Kyle's window is. I begin climbing up to it. Kyle's bedroom is on the second floor, but I've always been an adept climber. I grab onto the ledge and push on the window. Thankfully, it isn't locked. I climb through and collapse in a heap on Kyle's floor. I look around.

Kyle is in bed, sleeping soundly. I approach his sleeping form. His breathing is even, his face neutral. He doesn't LOOK like he's been fucked recently, but hey, who knows. I ponder over whether I should wake him or not. Finally I feel awkward enough sitting in his room, the silence filling my ears, that I have no choice but to begin shaking him awake. He stirs and blinks at me.

"Kenny...?" he mumbles groggily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "What the fuck are you doing here? What's going on?" I don't reply for a while, merely studying his face. He begins fidgeting. "Why are you staring at me...?" I lean forward and kiss him. He gives in at first, but then he pulls away. "What the hell dude?! Why won't you talk to me?" I glare at him.

"So what, now Stan comes back and suddenly I'm nothing again? Is that how this works?" I bark at him, my harshness an alien feeling for the both of us. He appears bewildered by my statements. I tap my foot, waiting for a response. Kyle sighs.

"It's not like that. I just..." He trails off. I scoff and roll my eyes.

"Whatever Kyle. Don't think I don't know what this is about. And now that your 'true love' has returned, I'm back to being the shit on the bottom of your shoes. You just used me and now I don't mean anything. Well, I hope you enjoyed it." I turn and head toward the window. Kyle grabs my arm to stop me, but I pull away.

"Kenny, wait!" He stands and grabs me, hugging me from behind. My breath catches in my throat, holding in a gasp of surprise and sadness. I'm powerless to resist him. "Please don't be mad. I'm sorry. It's not what you think. I...I'm just trying to do the right thing here. And...I don't think that what we're doing is healthy, for either of us. So I'm ending it." His words slice into me, deeper than any blade, and I can practically feel my heart being ripped to shreds. I shove him away from me.

"No! I'm done with this! I'm done putting up with your shit and not saying what I really want to! I love you, Kyle! I've loved you for...fuck, I don't even know how long. That's why I'm so fucked up now, that's why everything has gone to shit: because I can't deal with these unrequited feelings. But now I'm laying it all out there. So tell me, here and now, do you love me or not?"

He looks stricken. His green eyes shine with so many emotions, I can't even identify all of them. He averts his eyes and looks at the ground. He is thinking. I stand there, fists clenched, anger radiating off of me. His shoulders sink and his eyes are downcast. They begin to fill with tears.

Finally he speaks, his voice cutting through the air, sounding out of place in this quiet space we had created in those few moments of silence. "No. I don't love you. I'm sorry." I turn away from him.

"Fine." I stumble toward the window, tears blurring my vision. He calls out to me, but I pay him no attention. I jump out the window. He screams. I don't even feel the fall or the landing. All I can feel is the great empty vortex in my chest where my heart once was.

I make my way to a bar I used to frequent during my heavy drinking days. I smile when I pull my fake I.D. out of my wallet. I had "forgotten" to get rid of it. I grab a chair by the bar and start pounding them back, fast. I want to drown him in booze, so that I might never recall his face again. Those piercing green eyes, those soft, red curls...I take another swig of the sauce.

I don't know how long I've been here, but soon enough it's last call. Kyle is completely obliterated from my mind. All I can think of is the song that was playing in the bar, "Dammit" by Blink 182. It seems fitting to me, and it makes me smile.

"Aaaaaand ish happened onsh again. I'll turn toa frand. Someone that undershandsssss," I sing, laughing my ass off at the words that don't make any sense to me at the moment. I somehow manage to stumble home. I wake Karen because I can't figure out how to open the door. I laugh as I try to explain it to her.

"Kenny...why are you doing this again...you said you'd changed..." she asks, tears visible in her eyes. I just laugh and try to hug her. She steps back from me. "...I can't even look at you..." She turns and runs into her room, slamming the door shut. I giggle as I stumble to my room. I don't know why Karen's reaction is so funny to me, but I can't stop laughing. I collapse on my bed, exhausted from the laughter. I pass out within moments.

I wake to the pleasant feeling of a white hot poker being jabbed between my eyes. I massage my temples and slowly get out of bed, avoiding the light as best I can. Fucking hangovers. I grab some Ibuprofen and swallow it down. I look around. Karen is nowhere to be seen. Then I remember last night. Shit. I go to her room, but she's not there. However, her stuff is. I sigh with relief. I check the calendar. It's Tuesday. Karen is at school. I wonder how pissed she is about last night. I can't even remember what set off my need for a drink. What happened yesterday...?

Then it comes back. Everything I'd been trying to forget about last night. It all comes back, a great flood of emotions and images, filling my head with sorrow. I hold onto my skull and fall to my knees. I vomit on the floor. Kyle...it's over...

I go to my room and just lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. Tears soon dampen my pillow. I can't even sleep. I have to see Karen...I have to apologize... My phone starts ringing. The sound is like a knife through my pounding skull. I check to see who it is causing me all this pain. It's Kyle. I throw the phone across the room. I can't take this. I can't be awake for this. I go to the cabinet and grab some sleeping pills, take a few, and lay down once more, ignoring the phone's feeble ringing. The heavy weight of drugs soon pulls my eyelids shut.

I wake up a few hours later. Karen should be getting home soon. I wait impatiently by the door, pacing circles around the entire room. Finally I see her walking down the street. I open the door and run out to her. She sees me and stops. I run up to her and envelop her in a hug.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." She doesn't react. I find myself crying again. "I...I messed up...This thing happened with Kyle and I couldn't deal with it so...I'm just really sorry. It won't happen again." She pulls away from me.

"You've said that already. All I've learned is your word doesn't mean a lot. Just...just leave me alone." She tries to pass me, but I grab her arm. She looks up at me.

"I'll prove it to you. Please. Give me another chance." I take my I.D. out of my pocket and rip it up. I toss the pieces to the wind. "I promise; it won't ever happen again. I don't care how bad things get; I'm not going down into that abyss EVER again." She looks at me with pained eyes.

"I..." She sighs and shrugs her shoulders lightly, almost in defeat. "...okay..." I smile and pull her close. She wraps her arms around me. I guess I never knew how much this must be for her to deal with.

"You won't regret it."

Dinner in the McCormick household is interrupted by a pounding on the door. I look at Karen. She shrugs. I get up to answer it. There, standing in the doorway and looking rather annoyed, is Kyle. I feel my heart rise up into my throat, but whether from pain or pleasure at seeing him, I cannot tell. I don't know if I can deal with this right now...

"Why haven't you been picking up your phone? What's going on? I was worried!" he says, crossing his arms over his chest. I glare at him.

"Seriously? Dude, I figured the ignored phone calls sent a clear enough message. Besides, you don't get to rip someone's heart out and then call and act worried the next day; that's not how it works." Usually I'm not like this. If I'm ever mad I always hold it in or soften the blows. Not today.

"Kenny...I didn't mean t-"

"Look Kyle, I really don't give a damn what you did or didn't mean to do. What happened happened. Now it's done. And I'd really prefer it if you would leave me the fuck alone." Every fiber of me screams to tell him that that's not so, that I never want him to leave. But I keep my mouth tightly shut. It's better this way.

"...Okay...Are..." His eyes fill with tears. "Are we still friends?" I sigh. With that one sentence, all the anger is knocked out of me, only to be replaced with a heavy sense of guilt.

"I really don't know. Please just go." His tears spill over onto his cheeks. I want nothing more than to hold him, brush away those tears, and tell him everything will be all right. He blinks them away, nods, and gets into his car, driving away. I watch until I can't see him anymore. Then I close the door on the love that will never mean a thing.


	8. Chapter 8

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 8

I barely made it home. As soon as I got into my car, my eyes blurred with tears. I drove so I was out of sight, then pulled over and sobbed uncontrollably. I don't know how long I sat there, but afterward my head hurt and my whole face was glowing red. Why does this hurt so badly? I had no idea how much Kenny meant to me. The loss of his friendship feels like drowning. My lungs and mouth filling with water, as my chest burns from the lack of oxygen. Reaching out and trying to find something to save me from this horrible end. But there's nothing in sight for me to hold on to.

After I've gotten control of myself I drive home. I hurry into my room before anyone can see me and collapse on my bed, sobbing into my pillow. All I think of his him. Blonde, spiky hair. Twisted smile. Bright blue eyes, always projecting sadness and concern. Kenny...Kenny...Kenny... I don't know what to do. I try to choke back my sobs, but it hurts. I hurt from crying so much. I manage to stifle them so that no one hears. My mother calls that dinner is ready, but I turn the lights off and pretend to be sleeping. I quietly blow my nose on a tissue with my back to the door. I muffle my cries in my pillow. I want desperately to just let go, cry until I can't cry anymore, but I have to hide. If they knew, I don't know what would happen. And I can't deal with that.

Eventually I do fall asleep. I wake up the next morning and remember clearly everything that happened last night. But at the moment I can't cry. I'm too numb for that. With no one else to turn to, I call Stan. He answers right away.

"Can you hang out today?" I ask. He pauses and I hear strange sounds in the background. Something like muffled screams and things breaking. "...Are you okay?"

"Umm...I'll call you back in a little bit, okay?" he says before hanging up. I'm utterly confused. What was all that? I sit in bed and read until my phone starts buzzing about twenty minutes later. "Yeah, I can do something. I'll come by your place."

"Okay." He hangs up, and I go back to my book. Soon the doorbell rings and I go to answer it. The sight I see shocks me. "What happened to you?!"

"Umm...can we just go to your room first please?" Stan has a gash on his cheek that is bleeding steadily, his eyes are bloodshot, and he appears to have a bruise forming on his hand. I lead him upstairs and close the door behind him. He collapses in my desk chair. "Things aren't going so good, Kyle."

"No kidding! You look like hell dude. Did...nothing happened with your dad or...?"

"No, no, nothing like that. Umm...it was...uh...Wendy..." He casts his eyes to the ground in shame. I just stare at him. Wendy...?

"What do you mean? Wendy hit you? What happened? I don't understand." Stan sighs.

"Let me start from the beginning. So Wendy's been kinda weird lately. She gets irrationally angry at me for no reason and I don't know what I'm doing to cause it. Then a few days ago it was her birthday and...well, I forgot. So she comes over this morning, completely livid. She starts screaming at me, calling me every name in the book, and before I know it she's throwing things. That's about the time when you called. After I hung up I tried calming her down. She just got even angrier and she threw a vase at me. That's what this is from." He gestures at the cut on his face before continuing. "Then I got mad and...well...I didn't think about it I just...hit her..." At this point his eyes were wet with tears. "I wasn't thinking, it was just a reaction. I mean, if you get hit in the face, you kinda feel like hitting back, right? So I hit her but I didn't mean it and I apologized over and over and she was crying and I was crying and it...it was awful dude. Eventually she calmed down and forgave me. But I...I don't think I can ever forgive myself..."

"Oh my God..." I go over and hug him. "I'm so sorry...but it's not your fault. You didn't mean it..." I'm at a loss for words. How am I supposed to ease the guilt of something like this?

"Kyle...I'm so awful..." He buries his face in my chest and sobs into my jacket. I rub his back and shush him.

"You're not awful...It's not true," I assure him. I just sit there with him and let him cry. I don't know how long it takes or when he pulls away from me, but eventually he does. He looks at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen.

"I don't know what's wrong with me..." I don't know what to say to him. I'm conflicted. I want nothing more than for him to dump her and come to me. For this embrace to mean more than just friendly comfort for him. Stan...

It's becoming harder and harder for me to contain myself. I want to go to Kenny so much. I'm shaking because of how desperately I want it. I had no idea how much I depended on him. But hey, I was the one who decided to break it off. This is my own fault. I need to be able to deal with this. But...I just wish I could see him...know that he's okay...I could tell when I saw him that he'd been drinking recently. Probably last night. I promised him I wouldn't let him hurt himself anymore...and I'm the one responsible for his new pain. That thought alone fills me with enough guilt to want to run back to him or find a sharp object. I flinch at the thought. Even though I did it, cutting still scares me a bit when I think too hard about it.

My day progresses normally. I go to classes, eat dinner with my family, and go to bed. But all during that time, all I can think of is Kenny. Just Kenny. I hear a song and it reminds me of Kenny. I see a girl wearing a bright blue top and it reminds me of his eyes. I see a couple kiss and it reminds me of his lips brushing mine in that tender way he kissed me. Why...why is he all that's on my mind?

Oh God...I don't love him, do I? After everything, after what he said, I decide to develop feelings NOW? And...I love Stan...has that suddenly become irrelevant? No, I still feel the same way for Stan. I guess...I'm interested in both? I don't fucking know. I don't know what's going on in my own head, in my own heart. What the hell is wrong with me?

Stan's POV  
ONE WEEK LATER

"I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU!" I scream at her. She sits on my bed, shoulders shaking, hands covering her face as tears pour from her eyes. "HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS AGAIN?!"

"I'M SORRY!" she screams back at me, her hands coming away from her face. Her eyes look so crazy; it actually sends chills down my neck. Then she blinks and becomes humble again, sinking into the bed. "I'm sorry..." she whispers.

"Then why...?" I ask. She hiccups and blows her nose on a tissue. She sits there, staring at the ground, silent. The silence stretches and fills the whole room, almost tangible.

"Because of your...condition...I haven't been sure what to expect from you...performance wise..." she stammers. It takes me a moment to understand what she means, but when I get it I'm filled with rage.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Because I'm CRIPPLED you decide to whore yourself off to Token? What kind of person DOES something like-"

"That wasn't the only reason!" she screams. "You've been...different...since you came back. You used to be so...so carefree and happy...and now...I don't know..." I gape at her. Is she really so insensitive? Does she really only think of herself? I m so filled with rage, I want to I don t even know what I want to do, but I feel like I desperately need to hurt something. Or someone.

"Well I'm sorry I'm not all rainbows and sunshine after coming back from a FUCKING WAR! If you really cared, you'd try to help me, instead of getting mad at me over shit I don't understand and then fucking CHEATING ON ME!"

"Well I don't know what I'm supposed to do! I don't know what you want me to do! You won't talk to me, you just sit in silence all the time, and I don't know what you're thinking or what that intense look on your face is, but it scares me! You...you scare me sometimes Stan..." Those words cut into me deeply. I scare her? Me? How can how can I cause fear in someone? The thought makes me grow cold all over.

"You...you know what? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about what you're 'supposed to do' or any of that shit. We're done. There. Now you've got nothing to be scared of anymore." I open the door. "Get out of my room."

"Stan...please..." She comes toward me, but I hold up a hand to stop her. She stops and looks at me like I've struck her. She looks away and rushes out the door. I slam it behind her. I hear her sobs echo down the hall. I sigh and collapse on my bed. God...how did everything get so screwed up?

Kyle's POV  
Stan calls and says he has to see me. He asks that I meet him at Stark's Pond. I rush out to see what's going on. He sounded...bad, to say the least.

He is waiting for me when I get there. His head is down and cupped in his hands. When he hears me approach, he looks up. His face is tear-streaked. I sit next to him. He leans into me. His weight is comforting somehow. He sighs.

"Kyle...Wendy cheated on me..." I wrap my arms around him and squeeze. "She cheated on me with Token. Again. You were right Kyle; I never should've gotten back together with her."

"I'm sorry..." I'm not sure what else to say. I've never been in a situation like his before. So I say the cliche crap that you always hear people say. "She doesn't deserve you."

"You should've heard some of the stuff she said. She blamed me for it, saying she didn't know how I'd 'perform,' and that 'I'd changed' and 'I scared her sometimes.' She's such a fucking bitch..."

"I'm so sorry..." I guess there isn't really any right thing to say in this situation. He just needs someone to listen to him. "I'm here for you, dude." He sniffs and looks at me. A small smile appears on his face.

"Thanks Kyle. You're a really great guy, you know that?" Those words, although meant as a compliment, only sting me. His brow furrows. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing." He raises an eyebrow at me. "I...I'm undeserving of such sentiments..." I mumble. He waits for me to continue. "I...I didn't say anything before but...I've sort of been seeing Kenny..."

"Really? Wow. I had no idea. Well congra..." He stops once he looks at me. "What happened? Did he hurt you? I swear to God-"

"No, no, I'm the one who hurt him!" I scream, waving my hands back and forth. "He...he loves me...but I was just using him...none of what we did meant anything to me...I just..." I gulped. "Before we were together, he had been drinking and I had been...cutting...and we were sort of trying to save each other I guess. But he ended up becoming my new source of pain, and I was his infatuation. No matter how guilty I felt about what I was doing to him I couldn't stop myself. But I ended it a while ago. He didn't take it well and he ended up drinking after not having done so for at least a month. When I went to see him he told me that he didn't want to be friends anymore..." I start crying a bit.

"Wow...I don't know what to say...I was so absorbed in my own shit I didn't even think that you might have some of your own to deal with. I'm sorry dude." I wipe my eyes and sniffle.

"Thanks." He looks at me and smiles, his blue eyes sparkling. I sense something lurking behind those eyes, some hidden intentions. He wipes away a stray tear. I smile and take hold of his hand for comfort. Suddenly his face is inching towards mine. "Wh...what are you doing?" I whisper. He tilts his head, his lips mere centimeters from mine. My eyelids begin to flutter shut.

"I'm seeing what this feels like," he whispers. I feel his breath on my lips. Suddenly he's kissing me. I kiss back instantly. He cups my face in his hands, and his tongue enters my mouth roughly, licking my own. This is everything I've been dreaming about. But...something doesn't feel quite right. This isn't at all what kissing Kenny felt like. Stan shoves himself on top of me, kissing me roughly, fast, hungry. But it's not what I want. My eyes snap open as he starts to undo my shirt. This is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

"Stan...stop it...please..." I try to pull away, but he's much stronger than I am. I push against him, but that only excites him further. "Stan...Stan GET OFF ME!" I scream, kicking him in his sensitive spot as hard as I can. He grunts and falls off the bench, landing in the snow. I pull my shirt closed to keep out the cold and I look down at him. He's curled up in a ball of pain. I'm not sure what to do. "I-I have to go." I bolt down the sidewalk, not checking to see if he ever got up.

Soon I'm home, in my bed. What was that? I've waited SO long for him to kiss me, for him to do exactly what he was doing...but I didn't want it anymore. When I think of him, I shudder. He was so...animalistic. He's not the same as the boy I fell in love with. And that's not his fault, and it's not my fault, it's just the truth. With Kenny, I always knew that if I'd wanted to I could have told him to stop, and he would have.

Kenny...he's always put my interests above his own. He saw my scars, which no one else had ever noticed, and helped me give up my sick habits. He didn't take advantage of me any time when he easily could have. He loved me...despite everything that's wrong with me.

So that's the ridiculous story of my life. I had Kenny, the boy I now love, when I loved the boy I had just moments ago, whom I no longer desire. Now Kenny wants nothing to do with me, and Stan...I don't even know. I need to sleep. Maybe forever.


	9. Chapter 9

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 9

I become a zombie, going through the motions of my daily life, not thinking of anything. I'm too heart sick to even feel. I've become numb. This is a more complete numbness than anything I've ever felt before. Karen is worried about me, but I can't acknowledge it. I have nothing to say in response to her questions. Soon she gives up and gives me some space. Some part of me appreciates it, but at the surface I can't feel anything.

My phone rings constantly. My work, calling to inquire about me. Friends, checking to see if I'm okay. But no one stops by. No one cares enough to come by and actually check on me. No one actually gives a damn about Kenny's poor ass. Until someone finally did.

"Butters?" I say as I answer the door. My voice is cracked and hoarse. His name is the first word I've said in several days.

"H-hey Kenny. Can I c-come in?" His stuttering is awful. I step back for him to enter, and I shut the door behind him. "Why haven't you been answering your phone?" I sigh.

"I'd really rather be alone right now." I look at him. His tender skin, so pale, like Kyle's. Delicate. The shape of his mouth, his jawline. But when I look at his eyes I see their bright blue depths, and I am reminded that he is not Kyle. He smiles sadly at me.

"Well, we're all really worried about you. Are you sure you're okay? You don't want me to stay?" I'm so tempted. I haven't had sex since Kyle, and his resemblance is so striking. So intoxicating.

"Yes Butters. I'm sure." I can't. I can't do anything to him. He's...Butters. I can't corrupt something so pure and innocent. I'd never be able to live with myself.  
"O-okay then. I'll see you later Kenny." He seems disappointed. He hangs his head as he heads toward the door. He turns to look at me one last time. "Are you sure?"

I go to him, grab him, and kiss him fervently. Run my fingers through his hair. He is kissing me back, pulling my shirt off of me. I rip his clothes away from his body. I am on top of him, grinding our hips together. He gasps and moans and calls my name. I call out his name as well. "KYLE!"

I blink my eyes and the scene vanishes. I sigh dispiritedly. Butters is looking at me, concern etched into every line of his face. "Kenny...?"

"Please, Butters. I need to be by myself right now, okay? I'll be fine. Promise." He smiles slightly. I can tell he doesn't believe me.

"All right Kenny." He leaves, through the same door Kyle had walked out of. Kyle...

I don't know how long it's been since I've seen him. I miss him so much. But I can't see him; it would be too painful. I go and lay down. Before I know it I'm dreaming.

He is on top of me, biting and licking, trailing kisses down my chest. My back arches toward him. He pulls my pants off and then his own. We are grinding against each other in nothing but our boxers. I flip over on top of him. I enter into him. He gasps and his face contorts in pain until I find his sweet spot. I can always find it. I thrust into him and he moans. I thrust several times. Finally I climax, the hot liquid spreading throughout Kyle. But we aren't done.

My head bobs between his legs. He twists and writhes, gasping in shaky breaths. I swirl my tongue around the tip before taking all of him in. His hands are tangled in my hair. He's cooing my name.

"Kenny...Kenny...I'm gonna-" before he can continue, I jolt out of the dream. I look around, trying to find Kyle, but I am alone. I sigh and start to roll over. That's when I notice that I feel wet. Damn.

I clean myself in the bathroom and change, hurrying so Karen doesn't catch sight of me. I wash all the dirtied laundry in the bathtub. My hands turn red from the heat. When I'm done I take the laundry outside to dry, make my way back to my room, and plop down on my bed. I don't know how I'm going to survive this if I can't even escape thoughts of him in my sleep. What can I do? I feel my eyes prick with tears. I can't get over him, I can't forget him, and I can't ignore him. I couldn't even off myself if I wanted to 'cause I would just come back. I'm trapped here, in this body, in this town, forever. Always surrounded by Kyle.

The doorbell rings. I sigh and roll off my bed. I told Butters to leave me alone, dammit. The doorbell rings repeatedly. What's he got to be so impatient about? I open the door, but it's not Butters. I stand there, not quite believing what I'm seeing.

"Wendy?" I ask. She stands in the doorway, shoulders sunk, tears streaming down her face. She comes in without being invited and hugs me. I'm completely at a loss for words.

"Kenny...Stan dumped me..." she murmurs, burying her face in my chest. Soon she breaks into hysterical sobs. "I don't know what to do!"

"Okay...well...if you don't mind my asking, why did you come to ME about this?" She sniffs and looks up at me, hurt clearly evident on her face.

"I didn't have anyone else to turn to! Bebe's mad at me and all our friends are taking her side, Kyle's too busy comforting Stan, and-" I didn't hear a word beyond that. Kyle's with Stan. So that's it. It's over. There is no hope for anything now.

I listen to Wendy blather on for what feels like five hours. After she's finished venting she hugs me and says goodbye. I'm a bit surprised. I hardly even had to say a word.

More time passes. The hurt doesn't ease any. I contemplate trying to end it all several times, but I never work up the nerve. Even though I know I'll come back and no one will remember anything, I don't want to hurt Karen like that, not even if it's for a moment. She's become increasingly worried about me, but I have no idea how to ease her burden. Mostly 'cause I don't know how to pretend to be okay when this hurts so much.

Kyle must be with Stan...What other explanation is there? That's what he's always wanted after all. I suppose I should be happy. But I guess I'm too selfish for that.

I lay in bed at 3 in the morning, thinking of everything. I've cried so much that I can't even shed one tear now. Suddenly there's a sound outside my window that makes me jump. I get up and cautiously inch toward the window, a bat in my hand. More movement. I raise the bat, ready to defend myself. A face pops in front of the glass, blushing heavily.

"...Kyle?!" He knocks lightly on the window, smiling sheepishly at me. I stare at him for a long time. There's no way...I must be dreaming again. All the same, I go and unlatch the window. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I...umm...I want to talk. Can you help me through...?" He tries to squeeze himself through the window, but can't push off hard enough to propel himself inside.

I sigh and grab his arms, pulling him through. We fall in a heap on the floor. We're all tangled together. He looks at me and smiles again. I pull away from him.

"What do you want?" I ask coldly. He looks so stung by my words; I wish I could retract them, suck them from the airwaves and keep them forever, so that they may never reach his ears.

"I...I...Well, okay, I'll start from the beginning. Stan told me he had to see me so we met at Stark's Pond. He told me that he and Wendy broke up 'cause she'd cheated on him. Once I consoled him he...umm...he kissed me...but...I didn't like it...It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like...the way you kiss me. I had to force him off of me and then I went home to think. And...I realized something." I wait for him to continue.

"Well? What did you realize?" He smiles at me. He gets up off the floor and stands close to me. His smile is radiant, warmer and brighter than the sun. He leans forward and kisses me. Not the most intense of our kisses, but something feels different as my eyes involuntarilly slide shut at the warmth in my mouth.

"I realized that I love you Kenny," he says once he pulls away. I stare at him for a long time. That same smile remains in place. I burst out laughing.

"Seriously? NOW you love me? What the fuck dude, why are you saying this shit? You don't love me." His eyebrows knit together and he pouts slightly.

"I do too. Look...I was...I was in a really bad place before. You know that. And...I was clinging to the idea of Stan. If he could come back, and love me, things would be okay. But he was different and things weren't okay. And I haven't been able to get you out of my head for days."

"Please. I'm just your substitute for Stan. You don't really give a rat's ass about me Kyle, you never have." His eyes gleam with tears. They sting my heart, but my head is too angry to stop.

"That's not true."

"Bullshit. That's how things have always been, and it's how they always will be. I'm ju-"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" he screams, stunning me into silence. "I know what I did was wrong, okay? It was selfish and wrong and disgusting. I didn't think that it meant anything to me because I was so busy thinking about Stan and how I wanted things to be like they used to be. But they can't be. Things change and...there's nothing you can do to stop it.

"But come on, do you really think that I could ever have sex with someone and it didn't mean ANYTHING to me?" I think about that for a moment. Kyle cares about everything, and his morals have always been strong. He's not the emotionless type at all. "I...I was scared...and in denial...but I see it now. I was just afraid of my feelings, because I couldn't control them. Anything I didn't have control over I hid from, you know that. So I tried to make it meaningless. But I couldn't. Every time that we...had sex...it was special. I'd never felt like that before. I thought that was just because I'd never had sex but...I don't think that's it. It's much deeper than that. It's...it's love, Kenny."

I turn away from him. Not in anger or anything. I just need to think without the sight of him clouding my judgement. What he's saying does make sense. Now that I think of it, I did notice that odd look in his eyes after every time. I could never identify that foreign emotion. So I put it out of my mind, because I didn't want to think about what it could mean. And even if what he's saying now isn't true...it's Kyle. How can I possibly refuse him?

"...Can you prove to me that I'm not dreaming?" He smiles mischievously and bites my cheek. I wince at the unexpected pain. Then he kisses it, before placing his lips against my own once more. I kiss back passionately.

"Is this enough...proof for you?" he whispers into my mouth. I push him against the wall and start undressing him, like I've done countless times in dreams/fantasies. But this isn't as hurried as before. We can revel in the beauty of lingering touches, slow movements. He's kissing everywhere he can reach, furthering this by undressing me. He pulls me onto the floor on top of him. We make love, truly make love, for the first time.

We lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling. He cuddles close to me, nuzzling my neck. I kiss the top of his head. He climbs on top of me, smiling at me and kissing me lightly. I kiss back sweetly.

"I love you," he coos. He lays his head on my chest and begins to fall asleep. I snort and rub his back. He moans a little and begins humming contentedly.

"I love you too," I whisper as his eyes finally shut and he begins snoring lightly. I'm so happy I want to cry or scream or...I don't even know what. I finally have him with me.


	10. Chapter 10

K2: Save Me From Myself Chapter 10

I awake in a familiar enough setting: on a floor with Kenny close by. But this time it's so different. I've finally accepted my feelings for him. And it feels so good.  
His breathing causes me to rise and fall with his chest. I try not to move, because I don't want to disturb him, but I'm just so fidgety. I want him to know how happy I am at this moment, how much this means to me. How much it always meant to me.

I watch his face. His mouth hangs open slightly and he snores quietly. His eyes are peacefully shut. His hair is completely in disarray. I giggle quietly to myself. I love him. I truly love him.

He begins to stir. I look up at him as his eyes slowly open. He looks down at me and blinks a few times. I smile happily at him. He smiles groggily. I kiss him, mouth closed, chaste.

"Morning Kenny," I say cheerfully. He doesn't respond. The silence stretches on, but it isn't an uncomfortable one. "...enjoying the view?"

"Hell yeah I am," he replies, kissing me once more. I respond lovingly, accepting as he wins the fight for dominance. He explores my mouth, tasting, lingering, caressing. I feel a certain part of me grow. He notices and pulls away. "Happy are we?" I blush and smile.

"You know I am. I love you." He smiles widely. I feel my heart swell in my chest. If I could make him smile like that all the time, my life would be completely fulfilled.

"You sure are saying that a lot, you know," he comments. I blush as he strokes my cheek with his long, nimble fingers. His touch makes me shudder with delight.

"Well, I like saying it. Do you want me to stop?" I ask. He shakes his head sternly and kisses me.

"Never."

FIVE YEARS LATER "Kenny! Karen! Breakfast is ready!" I call loudly from the kitchen of our apartment. Karen is the first one to join me, rubbing sleep from her eyes but smiling brightly at me all the same. I return her smile warmly, feeling positively giddy.

"Good morning Kyle," she says, yawning widely and snagging a piece of toast. She looks around our little apartment. "Kenny still sleeping?" I sigh, trying to hide a small smile.

"It would seem that way." I call to him again. There's no reply. "It would also seem that I must go and tickle him to get him up. I shall be back." Karen giggles.  
I make my way to our room and knock on the door. There's a faint groan from the other side. I smile and shake my head, opening the door. He is twisted into a strange heap on the bed, one arm under him and one over his head. His legs are twisted in the blanket and I wonder if he tried to stand if he would just fall over. I go to him and poke him in the back sharply, causing him to twitch and groan at me.

"Time to get up, lazy ass," I sing sweetly. "Breakfast is ready." He makes no move to get up. I begin tickling him. He laughs uncontrollably and tries to wriggle away from me. I lean closer to reach him. He flips over and pulls me down onto the bed with him. "Well that was a silly idea, now it's easier for me to reach you."

"Yes, but I am stronger than you," he points out, pinning me underneath him before I can even react. He captures my wrists and pins them over my head. I give him a disdainful look. He smirks and lowers himself slowly, kissing me deeply. I sigh into his mouth and kiss back, shuddering as his tongue dances around playfully inside my mouth. He releases my wrists and runs his fingers through my hair. I cup his face in my hands. He bites my lower lip lightly, causing me to whimper. I can feel his satisfied smile. He kisses me one final time, pulling away to look down on me with a deeply pleased look. "You know you can't resist me."

"Oh?" I inquire, sneakily getting enough leverage to thrust my weight into him and roll him over. I am now on top of him. He looks up at me, blue eyes sparkling, and his mouth twisting into a smile that he cannot hide. "Well, I suppose that's true." I lean down and kiss him once more. As soon as he gets into it, however, I pull away teasingly. He whimpers in protest. "Then again, I have more self-control than you." I get off him and grab his arm, pulling him up. He allows it. "Come get something to eat." He yawns and faux-scowls, but his eyes are alight with happiness. I lead him to the tiny kitchen, where Karen sits, finishing up her breakfast. She sticks her tongue out at her brother. He flips her off, but turns his head to conceal a smile. He ruffles her hair as he passes.

"Mornin' little sis. Off to class?" Karen has been in school to become a teacher. A horn honks outside. She takes an enthusiastic bite of her toast and grabs her bag, kissing her brother, and then me, on the cheek.

"I'll see you guys later!" she calls over her shoulder, running to meet her ride. As soon as the door closes, Kenny comes over to me, pulling me close and burying his face in my hair. I laugh and kiss his cheek. His hand slides up my shirt and I shiver.

"K-Kenny...I ha...ve t-to...class..." His tongue forces itself into my mouth, and I cannot help myself. A voice in my head is scolding me harshly. 'You have to get to class!' it chides. 'Don't you care about becoming a surgeon? This is your final year!' Another voice tells it to fuck off and then the argument becomes foggy as Kenny's hand slips down my pants, stroking me gently. His touch makes my skin tingle. Before I know what's happening, I'm on the floor, being stripped of clothing. Kenny is driven by mad passion, becoming impatient with my slow and lethargic movements. When did I become the tired one?

The sharp ring of a phone makes him stop for a moment. He glares at the offending device before trying to return to what he'd been doing. I gently place a hand on his chest. I push him away. He sighs and gives up, mumbling about killjoys. I flick him in the arm and grab the phone.

"Hello?" I ask. Kenny approaches from behind, kissing my neck. I smack him, but he can't be deterred.

"Hey Kyle, it's Stan," he says brightly from the other end of the line. "I was just wondering if you'd wanna go with me and Butters to the movies later?" Kenny bites my earlobe, making me yelp. "Kyle? Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah, sure, we'll come," I stammer, feeling heat creeping up my face. Kenny chuckles. I whip around and fix him with a withering glare. He merely smiles at me. I can't help as my mouth trembles and I'm smiling too.

"Great! Well we'll see you later then!" He hangs up. Kenny pulls me close once more, but I hold up my hands to stop him. Now that I've had an interruption, my senses seem to have returned. Unfortunately.

"Look, I really need to get to class. Do you want me to give you a ride to work?" He sighs and nods dejectedly. I smile and kiss him briefly; he can't help but smile too.

Kenny has been promoted at the shop. He now runs the place. He makes enough, along with my part-time job, for all three of us to live together. In a few years, once I've graduated and Karen's moved out, he's gonna go back to school. At least that's what he's planning. But we're so happy the way we are now, I think it'd be okay if he stayed on at the shop. But whatever he wants, I'm okay with.

We reach the shop and share a quick kiss before he jumps out of the car and heads inside. He waves as I drive away. I smile to myself.

We hurry along through the cold to meet Stan and Butters inside the theatre. Kenny holds my hand as we cross the parking lot. We are enveloped in the smell of popcorn and the cheerful bustling along of restless and excited people. Stan waves to us from across the room. He holds Butters's hand for all to see. We make our way over to them.

Stan and Butters started going out about two months after the fiasco a few years ago. They've been together ever since. And they've been very good for each other. Stan was damaged after the war, and Butters's pure and innocent nature was what he needed to become whole again. And Butters needed someone who would protect him and love him with all their heart. Stan has become that person.

All four of us walk into the movie, scoping out the place so we can find seats together. We manage to snag four in the back. I roll my eyes. Stan and Kenny must not be too interested in what we're going to be watching. I feel like a teenager again.

The movie starts and we all get comfortable. Kenny grabs my hand once again. I kiss him on the cheek. We watch the movie quietly. For about ten minutes, maybe. Then Kenny is grabbing me, pulling me onto him, kissing me passionately. One hand rakes through my hair, one goes up my shirt. His tongue slides across my bottom lip. My hands are lost in his hair. Soon I'm being dragged out of the theatre and to the bathroom. Kenny locks the door and he's pinning me against the wall. He pulls my shirt over my head. The absurdity of this situation makes me laugh. We're about to have sex in the bathroom of a movie theatre.

"I've been waiting for this all day," Kenny whispers against my ear, making me shudder. He pulls out a pack of lube from his pocket that I hadn't known he had with him. I brace myself against the wall as he enters into me. I gasp and groan. He pushes himself further in. I try to contain my ragged screams, covering my mouth with my hand. Kenny chuckles. A sudden thrust from him makes me cry out from between my fingers. His hands are on my hips, fingers digging in and most likely breaking skin. One hand winds around me and grips my cock firmly. He slowly begins to rub the head, teasing me. I whimper. I can practically hear his smirk. He moves faster. I claw at the wall, nothing to dig my nails into. I bite down on my lip as I climax. He is soon done too. He leans onto me, smiling lazily. "If only you could see how red your face is right now. Oh wait, you can, there's mirrors all over there." I can feel my blush darken. He kisses my flaming cheeks. "I love you."

"I fucking hate you. I can't believe you just forced me into having sex in a movie theatre bathroom..." My sense of shame seems to have returned. Kenny laughs.

"Hey, I didn't force you into anything. I didn't hear any protests from you." I huff and turn away. He rubs my bare ass, something he does any time I turn my back on him. I look over my shoulder to glare at him.

"Fine, convinced then. Do you feel no embarrassment about this?" I ask, truly curious. The grin that spreads across his face is so completely Kenny that it makes me smile also.  
"I have no shame. Just wait 'til you see the other places I plan to have sex. I have a list and everything. Would you like to see it?" I groan; I'm not entirely sure he's joking. He comes over and hugs me tightly. I hold on and nuzzle my face in his neck.

"I love you too by the way."

We say our goodbyes to Stan and Butters and head home. We walk the clear sidewalk, the stars and moon shining brightly overhead to light our way. Kenny's fingers are laced between mine. We talk of nothing, laughing and enjoying ourselves. I love that after all this time we can still think of things to talk about.

Karen has already ordered Chinese, which we all chow down on at our little table. Karen fits in so well in our little household; she's practically become my own sister.

After dinner, we've all got things to do. Karen and I work on things for school, while Kenny...well, Kenny merely tries to distract us. He seems to enjoy it. He prods and pokes and tickles, leaving very little room for thinking. Eventually Karen goes to her room, having given up on being productive. I also give in to Kenny's constant whining about wanting to go to bed. He grabs my hand and I allow him to lead me to our bedroom. He collapses on the bed. I curl up next to him, trying to warm my feet against him. He wraps an arm around me, kissing my forehead. He's out in a matter of minutes.

I smile to myself. To think of all the shit that had to happen to get us here. Now we're our own strange little family. I snuggle a bit closer.

"I love you," I whisper into the darkness. I see him smile in his sleep. I shut my eyes and begin to feel myself drifting away. Things have never been this simple, this easy. I love every minute of it. Even so, I don't care how complicated things may become. As long as I have Kenny beside me, I'll be okay.


End file.
